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Writers Guild :3

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Author Topic: Writers Guild :3  (Read 904 times)
Makastar
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« Reply #90 on: December 20, 2010, 10:46:17 am »

OT:alice i was wondering if um i could be come a critique but i wont have no flames only if i see a problem is that okay ?

OT: You mean a critic? Anyone can be one as long as they understand the difference between a flame and a critique.
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Spike Spiegel
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« Reply #91 on: December 20, 2010, 11:01:15 am »

OT:yea i know
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R.I.P Raul u were a good friend
LastRequiem
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« Reply #92 on: December 20, 2010, 01:40:28 pm »

Can I join?
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Makastar
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« Reply #93 on: December 20, 2010, 09:08:56 pm »

Of course you can join Lucien ^_^ ur one of my besties girl!!! -hugs-
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« Reply #94 on: December 20, 2010, 10:53:36 pm »

Lol, awww. -hugs- Thank you ^^
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Makastar
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« Reply #95 on: December 21, 2010, 06:17:08 am »

Ur very welcome ^_^ Now let's see some posts guys! Post up some of your fics and we'll help you along with them ^_^
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« Reply #96 on: December 22, 2010, 12:40:39 am »

Well there is something that I just came up with at the last moment. Just a short story... As usual -insert negative comment about the story here-.

   The sky was in a magnificent rainbow of colors that danced towards the sun setting over the far off horizon. The sun had a bright, warm glow that showered over the landscape of shining glass skyscrapers in City Station and the surrounding areas.
    Watching from City Station's largest tower, his hazel brown eyes were fixated toward the sun as his mind and heart wished and imagined a place in his fantasies. He dreamed of a world of peace and tranquility. A place of happiness and tears of joy. Where violence was only a fragment of a small argument. A place that only existed in few parts on Earth and mostly in people's dreams.
   He brushed his brown hair away from his eyes and sighed as the calming breeze blew across the warm glow of the sun. He closed his eyes and cherished the short relaxing calmness of the time he still has.
   He knows there isn't a place on the planet where the place he dreamed of existed. Not anymore since the alien Fusion Planet invaded their home. Green fusion monsters roaming the land and attacking anyone that gets in their way. Now, it was his and the others time to fight for their dreams and the people that needed fighters to defend their home and their dreams from being shattered or destroyed.
   The teen boy looked down at the city streets far below that are coated with the shadows of the skyscrapers. There were kids and teens that were just like him that have their own dreams and their own things to protect and fight for. Some even share a few of the same dream.
   There were green fusion like monsters planning to take their dreams away. Of course, they won't let that happen.
   Suddenly, there was loud roar echoed through the streets that jerked him away from his thoughts and caught every person's attention in the nearby area. He looked down and saw a ginormous file cabinet like green monster with three smaller versions of itself beside it. They were five groups of them marching down the streets terrorizing the calming atmosphere.
   Every kid nearby immediately attacked the group of monsters, but only seven kids were there, heavily outnumbered. He decided to help them as he stepped closer to the edge ready to jump.
   The boy on the skyscraper glanced at the sun one last time before it completely disappeared over the horizon. He readied his machine gun as he jumped off the edge with his rocket nano out to lessen his landing to help the kids. He was still falling as he aimed at the monsters and tried to shoot them down.
   He knew he still had a lot to do in order to get to his dreams, but he already made up his mind that it was worth it. He smiled in determination as he free fall back into the world of reality.
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Makastar
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« Reply #97 on: December 22, 2010, 06:45:59 am »

Well there is something that I just came up with at the last moment. Just a short story... As usual -insert negative comment about the story here-.

   The sky was in a magnificent rainbow of colors that danced towards the sun setting over the far off horizon. The sun had a bright, warm glow that showered over the landscape of shining glass skyscrapers in City Station and the surrounding areas.
    Watching from City Station's largest tower, his hazel brown eyes were fixated toward the sun as his mind and heart wished and imagined a place in his fantasies. He dreamed of a world of peace and tranquility. A place of happiness and tears of joy. Where violence was only a fragment of a small argument. A place that only existed in few parts on Earth and mostly in people's dreams.
   He brushed his brown hair away from his eyes and sighed as the calming breeze blew across the warm glow of the sun. He closed his eyes and cherished the short relaxing calmness of the time he still has.
   He knows there isn't a place on the planet where the place he dreamed of existed. Not anymore since the alien Fusion Planet invaded their home. Green fusion monsters roaming the land and attacking anyone that gets in their way. Now, it was his and the others time to fight for their dreams and the people that needed fighters to defend their home and their dreams from being shattered or destroyed.
   The teen boy looked down at the city streets far below that are coated with the shadows of the skyscrapers. There were kids and teens that were just like him that have their own dreams and their own things to protect and fight for. Some even share a few of the same dream.
   There were green fusion like monsters planning to take their dreams away. Of course, they won't let that happen.
   Suddenly, there was loud roar echoed through the streets that jerked him away from his thoughts and caught every person's attention in the nearby area. He looked down and saw a ginormous file cabinet like green monster with three smaller versions of itself beside it. They were five groups of them marching down the streets terrorizing the calming atmosphere.
   Every kid nearby immediately attacked the group of monsters, but only seven kids were there, heavily outnumbered. He decided to help them as he stepped closer to the edge ready to jump.
   The boy on the skyscraper glanced at the sun one last time before it completely disappeared over the horizon. He readied his machine gun as he jumped off the edge with his rocket nano out to lessen his landing to help the kids. He was still falling as he aimed at the monsters and tried to shoot them down.
   He knew he still had a lot to do in order to get to his dreams, but he already made up his mind that it was worth it. He smiled in determination as he free fall back into the world of reality.

I loved your story Lucien! No negativity here Smiley Just got a few things to mention. You might want to use more words to say "He" instead of using "He" and "His" over and over. It's just an overkill on those single words and it would better the writing if you mixed it up a little bit.

Also, it seems you alternate between past and present tense a couple of times there. I don't know if it was on purpose, I was just pointing it out to ya in case it wasn't Tongue

There wasn't any grammatical issues or anything like that I saw in my first readthrough but I'll read over it again a few times. All in All, Good Job Smiley
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« Reply #98 on: December 22, 2010, 12:35:41 pm »

Lol, I have a bad habit of whether to use present or past, and thinking of words/sentences with a word that is present but I mistake it for a past. Thank you for reading it and telling the mistakes, Ali.  Smiley
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Makastar
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« Reply #99 on: December 22, 2010, 12:38:33 pm »

It's my pleasure ^_^ Always happy to be an extra pair of eyes for any writer :3
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Makastar
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« Reply #100 on: February 10, 2011, 09:46:19 am »

Hey there Guild! I just wanted to let you guys know that I posted up the prologue of another novel I'm working on~! The link is here so if you guys could check it out for me and tell me what you think, that will be great :3

http://ultrafusionfallmultiindex.smfforfree3.com/index.php/topic,3268.0.html
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« Reply #101 on: March 06, 2011, 09:19:17 pm »

Eh, what the heck, sign me up.

In the meantime, can you modify this first chapter? I might be posting the series up here.



The Other Side 1

Water dripped from my fingertips like the cold sweat from my face on The Other Side. Of course you don't know what that is... Yet.

 I guess it all started as I had just said. Me being drenched in rain.

I dragged myself into the grocery store, tracking mud and rain with every heavy step.

 I picked out a couple cans of tomato soup, paid, and stepped slowly back out into the pitch black abyss of rain, not looking forward to walking home. 

My small house and poor family wasn't far away, but with the drops pounding on my head and back, it felt like hours.

 As soon as I got back to my house, towels and warmth ambushed me as my mother, with worry in her eyes repeatedly asked if I was okay. 

"oh my gosh, oh my gosh Aidan are you alright?!" she panicky asked.

"mom! I'm fine! Youve got to stop worrying so much about this. I'm fifteen now. I think I can take care of myself." I told her as I took the damp towel off and sat on my bed. Otherwise known as the floor. 

Indeed, we are that poor. Ever since my dad passed away and my sister, Kasey disappeared it's just been me and my mom. 

She works at the drycleaners and doesn't make a lot of money.

I put the wet can of soup in a cabinet and laid down on the floor. 

You'd think it would be hard to sleep on a hard, wet, wooden floor, but I slept on it as if it was the softest cloud in the universe 

Little did I know, that was one of the only peaceful sleeps I'd get in a long time...

End- chapter 1
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"If the brain was simple, we could understand it, but we would be so simple, we couldn't."

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Makastar
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« Reply #102 on: March 07, 2011, 05:33:38 am »

Sure thing, let me just finish posting up on the RP threads and I'll edit this first chappie of yours. :3 Welcome Aboard!
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Makastar
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« Reply #103 on: March 09, 2011, 08:19:51 am »

The Other Side 1

Water dripped from my fingertips like the cold sweat from my face on The Other Side. Of course you don't know what that is... Yet.

 I guess it all started as I had just said. Me being drenched in rain.

I dragged myself into the grocery store, tracking mud and rain with every heavy step.

 I picked out a couple cans of tomato soup, paid, and stepped slowly back out into the pitch black abyss of rain, not looking forward to walking home.

My small house and poor family wasn't far away, but with the drops pounding on my head and back, it felt like hours.

 As soon as I got back to my house, towels and warmth ambushed me as my mother, with worry in her eyes repeatedly asked if I was okay.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh Aidan are you alright?!" she panicky asked.

"Mom! I'm fine! You’ve got to stop worrying so much about this. I'm fifteen now. I think I can take care of myself." I told her as I took the damp towel off and sat on my bed; otherwise known as the floor.

Indeed, we are that poor. Ever since my dad passed away and my sister, Kasey disappeared it's just been me and my mom.

She works at the drycleaners and doesn't make a lot of money.

I put the wet can of soup in a cabinet and laid down on the floor.

You'd think it would be hard to sleep on a hard, wet, wooden floor, but I slept on it as if it was the softest cloud in the universe

Little did I know, that was one of the only peaceful sleeps I'd get in a long time...

End- chapter 1

Ok my main concern with this piece is that there doesn't seem to be a lot of explanation going on, and you rush into different topics without giving the reader a chance to soak in the last bit of information. You use one-lined sentences that aren't very detailed to explain things which just need a little more to give a full description. For example, the bit where you were mentioning you guys were poor wasn't very detailed. It seemed rushed for you just stated it and then went on into the can of soup bit.

I fixed a few grammatical things too for you in the quote. All in all, sounds interesting, I would just enjoy some more descriptions in your writing. Look forward to see what's next, keep up the good work Smiley
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« Reply #104 on: March 10, 2011, 06:07:53 am »

Hm, I didn't really notice that. Thanks, I'll fix it.  Smiley
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