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General Boards => FanFic and FanArt Board => Topic started by: Mr. weird on May 11, 2010, 11:12:59 pm



Title: jake and the road of detsiny (ff connected)
Post by: Mr. weird on May 11, 2010, 11:12:59 pm
Jake was your average 12 year old kid. He would ride his bike, play sports, and  have fun like any other kid would.But one night he saw a burst of green light erupt from the sky and something shot like a spitball out of the air and landed in the local junkyard. Jake was always the curios type so he went to check it out, what he saw made various things run through his mind. Wonder,interest,terror; for what he saw was a fallen meteorite. but this was no ordinary meteor it looked more like a plant with pods on the sides. Jake reached his hand over to touch it but before he could he heard a tearing sound coming from the side of the meteorite.It started to ooze green slime and something came out: a monster. It was tiny but terrifying,it had a hypnotic stare, deep blood red eyes, and razor sharp teeth. At this moment Jake already knew what to do: RUN! Jake ran as fast as he could possibly go but when he got to his house he noticed it was already gone. as if it had grew legs and ran off. Jake knowing the danger he is in he called the local dexlabs protective assembly but when the dexbots finally came instead of fighting off the monsters they simply took him and flew over to dexlabs.
Jake was scared one minute he was playing basketball with his friends, the next he was being carried off to dexlabs. When Jake arrived he saw hundreds if not thousands of other kids with the same scared face as he had they were all wondering the same thing: where are we? why are we here? what happened? wheres mom and dad? are we gonna die?Everybody was getting anxious, then Dexter himself came out on his floating pad. Suprisingly he was with mandark, his arch enemy and buisness rival. Dexter said with a loud and ready voice:"Hello my freinds I am aware that you all have many questions but now is simply not the time, we are facing a dangerous matter:an invasion.


end of chapter 1


Title: Re: jake and the road of detsiny (ff connected)
Post by: Makastar on May 12, 2010, 07:31:54 am
Interesting. It's kinda short for a first chapter so try and work on making them longer when you post more ^_^ Also, remember to seperate paragraphs. Right now, you are posting a block of words that makes it hard to follow.

This way might work, or you can it again by yourself to get it seperated just the way you want it since you're the author:

"Jake was your average 12 year old kid. He would ride his bike, play sports, and  have fun like any other kid would.

But one night he saw a burst of green light erupt from the sky and something shot like a spitball out of the air and landed in the local junkyard. Jake was always the curios type so he went to check it out, what he saw made various things run through his mind. Wonder,interest,terror; for what he saw was a fallen meteorite. but this was no ordinary meteor it looked more like a plant with pods on the sides.

Jake reached his hand over to touch it but before he could he heard a tearing sound coming from the side of the meteorite.It started to ooze green slime and something came out: a monster. It was tiny but terrifying,it had a hypnotic stare, deep blood red eyes, and razor sharp teeth. At this moment Jake already knew what to do: RUN! Jake ran as fast as he could possibly go but when he got to his house he noticed it was already gone. as if it had grew legs and ran off.

Jake knowing the danger he is in he called the local dexlabs protective assembly but when the dexbots finally came instead of fighting off the monsters they simply took him and flew over to dexlabs.

Jake was scared one minute he was playing basketball with his friends, the next he was being carried off to dexlabs. When Jake arrived he saw hundreds if not thousands of other kids with the same scared face as he had they were all wondering the same thing: where are we? why are we here? what happened? wheres mom and dad? are we gonna die?

Everybody was getting anxious, then Dexter himself came out on his floating pad. Suprisingly he was with mandark, his arch enemy and buisness rival.

Dexter said with a loud and ready voice:"Hello my freinds I am aware that you all have many questions but now is simply not the time, we are facing a dangerous matter:an invasion.


end of chapter 1"

This way its easier for your readers to follow all of what you're saying ^_^


Title: Re: jake and the road of detsiny (ff connected)
Post by: Mr. weird on May 12, 2010, 09:02:23 am
lol thanks ill take that advise ps its not a book its just a story


Title: Re: jake and the road of detsiny (ff connected)
Post by: Makastar on May 12, 2010, 09:03:50 am
lol thanks ill take that advise ps its not a book its just a story

I know its not a book, silly :P


Title: Re: jake and the road of detsiny (ff connected)
Post by: Mr. weird on May 12, 2010, 09:10:05 am
lol yea thanks for the advise im going to post the second chapter later today ill try to use what you told me, thanks alice :D


Title: Re: jake and the road of detsiny (ff connected)
Post by: Makastar on May 12, 2010, 09:13:21 am
Ur welcome Harmonyyyy :3 nice avi btw ^_^


Title: Re: jake and the road of detsiny (ff connected)
Post by: Mr. weird on May 12, 2010, 09:22:14 am
avi?


Title: Re: jake and the road of detsiny (ff connected)
Post by: Makastar on May 12, 2010, 09:24:50 am
lol it means avatar. like ur sora/roxas pic :3


Title: Re: jake and the road of detsiny (ff connected)
Post by: Mr. weird on May 12, 2010, 09:29:48 am
o lol thanx


Title: Re: jake and the road of detsiny (ff connected)
Post by: Mr. weird on May 12, 2010, 06:16:27 pm
chapter 2:


"Once Dexter had fully stated the situation Jake was in awe; he had always seen television shows about aliens visiting from outer space, but he never imagined it to be this scary.

" I know you are all startled, HOWEVER! There is  a way to stop this."

"the reason you were all brought here is that we need your help. We have assembled a team of the strongest,bravest, heroes of all time. Mandark and I have figured out a way to stop this invasion. and the answer is easier said then done:you."
You all have special talents and those talents can be brought to their full potential now. you are our warriors. You are our saviors. YOU ARE OUR HEROES!"
Jake and the other boys and girls cheered and got ready. "WE HAVE WEAPONS, WE HAVE ARMOR! THE TIME IS NOW! THE HERO IS YOU! Jake smiled a cheered. Dexter glared at Jake and his eyes widened almost out of his glasses.

Dexter wispered something to Mandark and pointed at Jake; Mandark's eyes widened  as well and brought up a holo screen focusing on Jake.
JAKE FALLER COME WITH ME! Jake's eyes widened and the pad he was standing on floated to Dexter and Mandark.

"What is this all about?" Jake asked the two. You Jake,this is about you. we were scanning every person in the labratory for a certain need and you were the one it scanned positive. Your structure and health are exactly what we need your brave aren't you?
"i guess, said Jake. We need you to do something for us Jake faller. first we'll need you to get us a sample of the matter outside. "You mean that green ooze? Jake asked, Yes... that ooze we need to you get us a sample so we can study it. The first requirement of a fight..."is to know your enemy" Jake replied. Yes very good jake these scans prove to be correct.

Jake went outside to get a sample of the green ooze, he looked for the nearest pile to avoid the monsters. "Jake spotted a pile of the ooze on a scrap piece of metal in the goats junk yard. Jake looked around and sprinted after it.Jake got the small tube that dexter told him to put the ooze in when he sees it out of his backpack and scooped it up and closed the lid. Almost in an instant, monsters apeared out of nowhere Jake ran onto a beat up car on a moving platform the monsters jumped up and tried attacking Jake, Jake knew he was done for. Especially now sense the car was about to be turned into a cube; Jake got an idea, right before the car was about to be crushed he  screamed: " HEY UGLYS! WANT SOME OF ME!" the monsters enfuriated, jumped twards Jake but right before they could get the teeth on his hand, he jumped off the car and the car was crushed into a cube, with the monster on it.

Jake returned to Dexlabs and gave Dexter the sample and he put it under a microscope. "very interesting" Dexter replied, this matter seems to be attracted to other matter then fuse with it creating a duplicate. this is not good. It seems it's time for the second task, we need you to time travel.



end of chapter 2


Title: Re: jake and the road of detsiny (ff connected)
Post by: Makastar on May 13, 2010, 07:19:03 am
Very nice. You may want to seperate the dialogue a little more, since you have dexter and jake talking in the same paragraph and it is semi-hard to follow the dialogue that way. All-in-all, very good :3

ps: GO READ MY FIC :p pwease ^_^


Title: Re: jake and the road of detsiny (ff connected)
Post by: Mr. weird on May 13, 2010, 10:00:33 am
I already have alice its really good


Title: Re: jake and the road of detsiny (ff connected)
Post by: Makastar on May 13, 2010, 10:06:30 am
I already have alice its really good

Yay can u post a comment??? maybe more ppl will read it then :P


Title: Re: jake and the road of detsiny (ff connected)
Post by: Mr. weird on May 17, 2010, 06:42:07 pm
lol i dont think it matters if i post on it i dont have anything erconizable :(


Title: Re: jake and the road of detsiny (ff connected)
Post by: Makastar on May 17, 2010, 06:43:41 pm
V_V