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General Boards => FanFic and FanArt Board => Topic started by: Smax on May 31, 2012, 06:19:19 am

Title: The Parasite
Post by: Smax on May 31, 2012, 06:19:19 am
Hey you guys, so I've been working on a little story over a bit, and honestly, I'm not expecting awesome compliments from you, but either way I want to post it.

The Parasite
Chapter 1
The Leak

It was a dark age. I was just a scientist working on finding out what else was out there in outer space.
Ever since age nine, my partner Theo and I have been asking endless questions about outer space.

Theo is now a tall man, just under six feet. He has dark hair that is straightened down just above his eyes, with the back of his neck completely bald. He also has light blue, nearly turquoise eyes that conflict with his hair perfectly. He usually wears a formal shirt under his lab coat, even though I only wear a T-shirt.

I have hot chocolate colored hair that starts to look somewhat blonde on the edges. It’s straightened down completely over my eyes so I have to brush it to the side a little bit. Unlike Theo’s eyes, mine go with my hair and have a nice shade of dark hazel.

“Hunter, we have a slight problem.” Theo informed me that day. That horrible day… Theo and I walked down the hallway looking through the glass. They made it special so that the floor, walls and ceiling were entirely made of burnt sand.
We stopped for a second, looking through the large window at the mountain just out side of anyone’s view.

The backside of Mount Rushmore.
We stared in awe at the mountain. In my opinion, It was even prettier than the front. Our eyes then shifted to our base perched on the side. Pillars holding it up. They called the enormous building “Memorial”.

Theo and I kept walking, desperately trying not to make eye contact. It was these awkward situations that Theo and I have always dreaded, but never really talked about.
Finally, we reached the office of the two people that designed Memorial, hired Theo and I, and created the entire operation.

General Bennadict and General Caster.

Caster was a tall woman with small glasses sitting on her nose. I wondered if a normal person could even see through them. She had white-blonde hair and a nearly flawless face. She had wrinkles starting to form, as she was about 51. She was wearing a pitch black blazer with countless badges pinned to it. She could’ve been a hard core girl scout.

Bennadict was different. He reminded Theo and I of a wrestler. He was an inch or two taller than Caster with broad shoulders and bulging muscles that seemed to pop right out of his blazer, identical to Casters. He had a buzz cut of light brown hair and a completely wrinkled up nose and squinty eyes. His hands were so large, it seemed that if he poked you in the gut, you would barf.

That’s why we were glad to have them both on our side.

Bennadict stepped out of the darkness of the corner of the office and placed a machine gently on the table. Yes, nearly smashing the table IS in fact General Bennadict’s perspective of being “gentle”

“Hunter, Theo, I assume you both do not know why we have called you here today. I would I like to inform you that you are not in any sort of trouble.” Caster explained.

“Yet…” Bennadict mumbled. Caster shot him a look that said “Shut your mouth or I’ll staple it open”

Bennadict just smiled mischievously. “Allow me to brief them.” He offered. “ Hunter, Theo, it has come to our attention that the ozone layer has been breached by pollution rising up into the air. Radiation and ultraviolet waves now leak quickly into the earth, increasing the risk of cancer by 75%. We already have over 100 confirmed cases in the past 2 hours.” Bennadict explained.

Caster cut in. “Yes, but we are not asking for a cure for cancer at the last minute. While measuring radiation levels, our scientists picked up something else.”

“I thought we were her scientists…” Theo mumbled.

Bennadict interrupted. “A parasite.”

Title: Re: The Parasite
Post by: Silver Kid on May 31, 2012, 07:47:29 pm
Nice, nice. But a little too descriptive. Now, i'm not saying that being descriptive is bad, I'm just saying that you took up over half the chapter with describing things. But, It's better than my first stories.

Title: Re: The Parasite
Post by: Smax on May 31, 2012, 08:00:28 pm
I suppose you're right, but believe me, it's not going to be like this the entire story. It's only the first chapter, my friend. In a little bit some action will come into the story. Perhaps we should be a team. Me focusing on the details, you focusing on the story. we would work well together on a story.

Title: Re: The Parasite
Post by: Silver Kid on June 01, 2012, 06:02:11 pm
PM me some ideas and we can get started

Title: Re: The Parasite
Post by: Smax on June 01, 2012, 09:51:23 pm
Wonderful. While I'm at it, let's get another chapter up.

Chapter 2
The Chocolate Milk

As I sipped the cold brown liquid, I felt refreshed and continued chewing my gum. I love chocolate milk.

I walked back into my lab, in the process of taking my lab coat off to feel more casual.

“Alright guys, have the generals briefed you already?” I asked, then giggled a little bit. How did I become in charge?

They all nodded, so I continued.

“Alright, I need penicillin, sodium, silicon, calcium, and potassium. Come on people, lets move it!”

I walked over to Hunter while the other scientists were occupied. I pushed my sleeves up when I got close. He was in the middle of directing the engineers on how to build this. They had come completely unprepared when building a miniature structure. The engineers came with wrenches, and screwdrivers, some with hardhats.  Ugh…

Hunter hadn’t noticed me, so when he turned around after he finished, he ran right into me. I caught him and he apologized.

“Isn’t this crazy?” He asked with a huge grin on his face.

“Sure, Hunter. I came to ask how the antidote was going to work, it is a machine after all. I don’t really see how…” I looked at the list General Caster gave me. “Penicillin, a drug that gets rid of bacteria, I just don’t see how that would help destroy a machine.” I asked.

He lost his grin, and it turned into a warm smile. “Do it like you used to, not by the book. Really, what’s gotten into you? You’ve been a little less… chipper than usual.”


“Well this was never how I had imagined discovering aliens. I always imagined little green men. This is potentially catastrophic.” I told him. “ But you are right, I should make the antidote against the law.”

“Well then you should get to work.” Hunter said, motioning behind me to the eager scientists waiting with penicillin and silicon.

“Oh boy, Alright guys, return that stuff, get me some carbon fiber, aluminum, a discharge, two automaton disruptors and another glass of chocolate milk. Come on people, let’s go, for real this time!”

The scientists eagerness slowly decreased over the next hours. Almost like an hourglass, sand being the eagerness, slowly turning into wasted time.

Nearly every experiment was a failure. The subject still tried to kill the agent. The only difference was that the agent had full body armor on. Even if they were unarmed civilians, they were dangerous.

The next day, one scientist had stayed overnight. She had perfected Theo’s picture into a sculpture. She realized that it couldn’t be a machine that goes inside the victim, as, how would they get it inside? They had to use a sound.

This scientist, Kira Bent, discovered that the parasite finds it’s way to the stem of the brain, so it would have to be disrupted from the ear.

She created a sound, so… disruptive, that the average human could not hear it, but it would short out the parasite.  In the morning Theo came in to realize Kira’s work.

He found that she had made a breakthrough, and tried it out on the patient.

It worked.

Title: Re: The Parasite
Post by: Silver Kid on June 02, 2012, 08:21:11 am
What is this, Men In Black 3? XD

It's good, but you made some sort of time skip that took place over a certain amount of time. You should have put Theo and Hunter's reaction to hearing about the parasite. Not just having them immediately start working.

Title: Re: The Parasite
Post by: Smax on June 02, 2012, 03:31:17 pm
Well alrighty then. I'm sort of writing and editing this as i go along, so just bear with me.

Title: Re: The Parasite
Post by: Silver Kid on June 02, 2012, 05:01:52 pm
To be honest, that is completely fine.

Title: Re: The Parasite
Post by: Smax on June 02, 2012, 09:00:30 pm
Cool. should have another chapter up soon, so stay tuned.

Title: Re: The Parasite
Post by: Silver Kid on June 02, 2012, 09:34:30 pm